Back from the Big "D"

Well it has been about a week and I just found out that the reason that no one is posting is that some of you can not see the blog. Well I have reposted it and let's see if that works. I have been trying to summarize our trip to and from Dallas. To say it was interesting driving with two young children for 19 hours to and from Dallas is the understatement of the century. Eating fast food all the way there and back is the best way I have found to cleanse the colon ever. So here are the highlights of the trip out there.

We left on a warm summer's morning at 3:30 a.m. We arrived at our first stop of the morning at 7:30 a.m. We thought we would stop for a quick breakfast at a ole family favorite the old McDonalds. Now as we got ready to stop we went around the car and got everyone's order and the kids and Kristena just wanted pancake's. Seems simple enough. So I stand in line as the clerk without a smile takes the orders in front of me. My best guess at the cause of the clerks bad mood must have been related to her failure to make her bowels move over the last 3-4 years. She seemed mad at those of us who appeared to be happy and regular. Anyway I step up for my turn to give her my order and simply ask for 3 orders of hotcakes (what the difference is between pancakes and hotcakes I will never know). She looks at me and snaps we are out of hotcakes. I said how can you be out of hotcakes isn't that like water and mix. But yep they were out. So I step back out of line and regroup. While little Ms. Happy takes a few more orders we decide what we would like. So I step up again and order our food and watch as no one I mean no one in Kitchen has a glove on and they are touching people's food. I am not sure what else they had touch before they touched the food but I am sure I would not want to know. So I order three drinks and some sandwiches. Bearing in mind we have a 6 and 2 year old and their drinks were 2 chocolate milks. But wait they are out of those as well. So now I am thinking maybe the manager should have shut the doors on breakfast. So then I change the order for a third time. I order a sweet tea and some fruit punch. Oops they had not made the tea yet. Say what no tea either. Again seems simple tea is a few bags and some water and a few cups of sugar. Does not require an advance degree in physics just need to know how to make water boil and how to measure sugar. But obviously the morning crew at this McD's did not have the right person to pull it off. So now I am thinking that I wondered into some alternative universe. So to recap what they did not have no hotcakes, no chocolate milk, no tea and then when she delivers the revised order we find out that they are out of....straws. You guess it they are out of straws. I was afraid to go make a doodee for fear they had run out of toilet paper and I would have to use the paper towels (which I sure they were out of) so I would have to hoist my rump into the sink and rinse it off. Kristena was so furious that she had me get a refund for the drinks. The constipated clerk was not very happy to have to refund me 3.00 worth of drink money but hey unless she was going to make me a straw out of a piece of wheat we were not keeping the drinks.

The next stop was better but very, very weird. He stopped in Gulfport, Ms at a lovely Chili's. When we got there it was 12:00 on the button. And the we almost did not go in because it was empty. We thought the food must stink if no one is there at noon. What we did not realize is that somewhere on the way we drifted into central time so really it was only 11:00. But anyway we placed our order for our food. Tyler was thrilled because he was going to have a hot dog. The boy loves his "got gos". It was all going very well. They had everything we asked for straws and all. I even went into the bathroom and they had toilet paper and I guess in case they ran out they had newspaper hanging over the urinals. In case you wondered I used the toilet paper and just read the sports page. So after I returned I was looking around and we noticed a lovely little lizard climbing on what we though was the outside of the window. We realized quickly however that he was planning on joining the young couple near the window for lunch as he was actually on the inside of the window hanging onto one of the slats on the blinds. So I do what any real man would do and I flagged down the waitress to deal with the situation. Hey I had washed my hands and who wanted to hear me scream like a girl when the thing ran up my shorts. I would have then stripped down right there in the middle of Chili's to get it out and that would have ruined more than a few meals. So the waitress a girl in her late teens early twenties attacks. She starts trying to capture the lizard. The lizard thinking how rude I have not even gotten my drink yet runs for his life from the crazed waitress. But this girl has game she dives to the floor and starts scooting on her knees scooping after the lizard. Finally, after sliding under a table she captures the uninvited little guy and tosses the little booger out the front like the person who brought the carrots to a weight watchers meeting. After this she walks out with our food and Kristena and all of us are left to wonder did she scrub the lizard pee off of her hands or did she think hey a little lizard pee is great with Mexican food so serve it up!

So far for those of you scoring the trip restaurant horror stories 2 Jones Family 0. Well we were about to learn that just when you think it could not get worse it can. So we make our final meal break around 7:30 pm at a Whataburger. For those of you who have never been to a Whataburger it is the south's answer to Wendy's and McDonalds. Now we usually have pretty good luck at the old Whataburger. But as you can tell this was not our night. We arrived and much to our surprise there were no cars. Not even employee cars. Now I have since wondered how did they get there but after eating there I believe it was run by a women's prison. That would be my only explanation for the lack of transportation vehicles in the lot. The prison bus brought them in before breakfast and took them away at night. But anyway we walked in and they were obviously not planning to work anymore because they were all gathered around the TV behind the counter. I am guessing they were watching the new Fax show Prison Break looking for pointers. But against our better judgment we order. Something simple, couple of burgers, some fries and some chicken fingers and some drinks. Pay for the meal and they hand Kristena the cups. Now before I tell you what happened there is something you need to know about my wife. She hates germs and errant hair. Nothing grosses her out faster than dirty silverware or plates at restaurant or worse yet finding a hair in her food especially if the hair is short, curly and black. (insert your imagination of where she thinks those hairs come from) So imagine her horror as she looks into one of the cups and finds three black curly hairs curled around the bottom of the cup like worms waiting to be placed on the hook. Literally, I thought she was going to hurl. Fighting her gag reflex, she politely hands the cup back to prisoner 445545 and says "I don't really want this cup". The angry inmate looks in the cup and says oh and tips the cup over and allows the hairs to slide out hands Kristena another cup and then places...that's right places the cup back on the stack to be served to the next victim. So we get our food and it tasted horrible and the whole time I watched Kristena eat as she dissected each and every bite and as she tired of it she just stopped. Throwing in the towel on the remainder of her burger as to make sure she did not throw up in the van. So the final score on the way to Dallas Restaurants 3 Jones Family 0.

Well needless to say it was a long trip the last two hours there and back the kids got a little rowdy and Tyler only slept for about 45 mins the entire way there. Anybody know a legal way to drug your 2 year old on road trips so that he will sleep. We probably would have been fine except Kaitlyn decided that Tyler wanted to watch Disney's High School Musical 6 times in a row. Even the pope would have cussed after the 2 time and I am pretty sure if Tyler could have he would have taken a hammer to the DVD after 4th time. But we made it there and back and we did not lose our minds. Next blog we will deal with our time with Kristena's grandparents. The are a great couple of people but as always with our luck there is always something funny that happens. Stay tuned to hear Kaitlyn thoughts on Tyler's little "willy".