Goodbye Mom

Well as I am sure those of you that will read this already know that my mom passed away about three weeks ago. Writing was always therapy for my mom. When her and my dad were arguing about whatever it was they were fighting over she would write him a letter telling him off or giving him a piece of her mind or even expressing her hurt because he had hurt one of us. She never mailed those letters to him and probably as my sister goes through old notebooks or papers she will find some. I began to wonder what she would blog about if this was her last blog and in her way try and continue to heal myself. I know for one thing she would talk about her grandkids. She loved each one of them as the individuals they are. She spent wonderful countless days with Kim's kids and she loved each day and for my kids it was a lot of phone calls and each visit was precious. She loved Josh's take on the world. He is fearless to a degree and funny to a fault. She and Josh shared quiet moments and when something frustrated him she just listened to him. Samuel is very quite and stoic never really prone to give you much of a reaction or over tell a story. She loved when they would have a quiet moment when he shared whatever he had going on inside. Kaitlyn is the oldest and sometimes the most ridiculous. She would just listen and mom would love to hear about the latest adventures in her pre-teen life especially the times she would misspeak or make up new and interesting words. Tyler is the builder and loved to talk her ear off. When they were on the phone he would disappear and lay on my couch upstairs and talk about lego's or whatever. She loved that his words were greater than his years. Then there is Lauren. Of all my children she took my mom's passing the hardest. She cried and still does from time to time as she passes the picture on the fireplace. She simply just says "I miss Grandma". And then I guess she would tell you about what was going on with each of her kids. She would talk about Kim's work at Perkins and the struggles and triumphs there and how proud she was of her. Then she would talk about Tom and his cool new car and how proud she was of the work he was doing. Then she would tell you about Texas and me and the job she never really could remember the name of but she did remember I worked at a bank and I had a very cool sounding title. Then she would want to hear about you. Mom loved to hear about others struggles and what they were going through. She loved to help people move through their problems and find solutions. She lived a tough life never really having much but she had experiences that she would share and if you needed something whether it meant sacrificing her own wants and needs it was yours. She loved her friends whether she had seen you in the last 20 years or just yesterday my mom always was ready to listen or as Linda said at the funeral sometimes she would fill the time with stories and laughter and you never had to say a word. If it had not been for my grandparents who knows where we would have ended up. So I am sure that she would tell you latest on them. They were always there to fill in the gaps as we were growing up especially when mom had to work whether that meant a hug, a ride or someone to talk to they were there. Noone should have to lose a child and I hope they know how much we all love them. I guess when I think about my mom and all of she was to me I beleive I will miss her laugh and the way that no matter where we lived she made us feel like that was home. We moved alot as kids once my mom and dad divorced. And it would have been easy to become discouraged by our situation and I suppose that she did but that is not what I remember. I remember coffee runs late at night when I should have been in bed. I remember coming home from my after school job at Wendy's at 2 am and her waking up and talking about stuff till 4. I will remember calling when something good or bad happened and hearing the pride in her voice or a calm reassurance that it won't be that bad. When she passed away on July 13th I lost a mom and my friend. The hardest part of these last 3 weeks is the almost nightly phone calls just to hear her voice and to share something no matter if it took 10 mins or 2 hours. Not a night goes by that I don't reach for the phone and realize that she is not there. Not a night has gone by where I don't feel the pain of her loss. But the lessons and life she lived taught us to not look at the pain and dwell on it but instead it was to pick up the pieces and move forward. We will try and live that lesson she shared. It will be hard for Kim, Tom and I. We are Carolyn's kids and for a little while I think she would understand if we looked back and missed her.