5 reasons not to take your kids on your vacation

Well we have returned from the high seas and the boat did not sink and despite my best efforts I did not consume enough food to actually make the boat tilt to one side when I walked from side to side. First let me tell you that if you decide to take a family cruise take a Disney cruise. That is so long as you don't have children under the age of 3. Before I tell you why that is important, first let me tell you that I love my children. Kaitlyn and Tyler are gifts from God and although sometimes I wish they came with some sort of off button or some remote control with pause or rewind I would never, ever, ever trade them for anything. However, that is not to say that I am anxious to take them out on a boat and live in a 192 sq. ft room with them again either. Here are some of the reasons why I recommend leaving them with friends, relatives or just any person who is dumb enough to watch them for five days.

1) Ever seen a little girl cry? I mean a cry that would break your heart. Ever had your child cry over a couple of towels that are shaped like a turkey?? I have! My daughter Kaitlyn had a melt down as we prepared to leave our stateroom for the last time. The reason for the meltdown was that she forgot to sleep with the towel's shaped like a turkey that the stateroom host left us in the room the night before. She proceeded to sob for most of the morning over the "turkey". You would think that by the end of the morning it would be over. Oh no it was still a subject of grave concern up until she went to bed. Never underestimate the joy of children being in their own rooms. Also never underestimate how important towels shaped like a turkey can be to a 6 year old who has barely slept in the last 4 days. I did and boy did I pay for it.

2) Picture this: A 23 month old boy in a semi-formal dining room eating spaghetti and screaming every time his little tail sits down in his high chair. So in order to not be thrown out of the dining room on your first night on your cruise you allow him to stand on the front of his high chair until dinner was over. Imagine when you stand to leave realizing that he has covered the cloth table (luckily it was black) covered in sauce. Then imagine the prospect of this recurring every night for the duration of your cruise. If you don't have cold chills running up and down your arms then you have not taken your children on a family vacation. We have and we will be taking grandparents or any street bum for reinforcements in the future.

3) Can your children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews or students in your class make a noise that make the fillings in your teeth actually hurt? My son can. He can when so provoked, make a noise that can only be picked up by dogs, some cats and certain satellites. Several times on the ship I thought for sure that the squeals were going to cause the instruments to malfunction and we would end up in Indian Ocean or worse yet.......Somewhere cold like Michigan (go Bucks!!!!Love ya Holly and Jason) Imagine knowing that your wife is trying to put your son down for nap and walking down the wall and being able to hear him throwing a fit twenty-five rooms down. Can you imagine??? I don't have to because I have lived it. I don't know how Mickey Mouse can handle it with those big ears and all. I did notice that Goofy ran and hid when Tyler got close to him. Go figure.....

4) Ever timed how long it takes a 23 month old boy to climb 7 flights of stairs? I have and it takes about the same amount of time as it takes most of the people on the second deck of the Disney Wonder to begin to curse at his parents. If you wonder why he would want to do that, I only have one answer and that is because they were there. He never wanted to take the elevator and to avoid number 3 on this list we let him take the stairs. Of course by taking the stairs I mean he walked every blessed step by himself everytime. I just realized that is part of the reason my diet of cheese cake on the ship did not have the effect I was looking for. However, I did manage to pull a hamstring and twist a knee going up and down the stairs with him. However, Kristena was not even winded as she took the elevator and then tapped her foot at the bottom of the stairs as we stumbled down them. (Mom if you want to be our designated sitter better start that jazzercize class)(sorry to those of you have just pictured my mom in a workout outfit made only of Lycra)

5)To my grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and any one who may have bought me anything I want to thank you for doing that. If I did not tell you that when you gave it to me I am sorry. I really appreciate it even if it was a baby blue missionary shirt in the wrong size when I was 16 years old and never wore it. I should have let you know that it was the thought that counts and that I appreciated the fact you thought of me. So I say that to tell you that as I parent nothing pushes my buttons faster than when you purchase something for your child and when your child receives it the exchange goes a little somthin like this (borrowed a line there from Tone Loc check your guide to the 80's folks) .

Parental Figure "Kaitlyn, mommy and daddy got you something. Do you want to see it?".
Kaitlyn: "Yes" (look of excitement)
Parental Figure: "We bought you these nice Mickey Mouse hair thingies. Do you like them?"
Kaitlyn:(look of sheer annoyance and disappointment)"oh I thought you were going to buy me the mouse ears"

Huh no gratitude, no nothing. No thank you. Did we miss it? Nope nothing at all. Just that. Have you ever seen the MTV show "Sweet Sixteen"? That is what I am afraid I have created. So we have put a moratorium on gifts. I don't want to wake up one morning and hear Kaitlyn say daddy for my birthday I wanted the red BMW not the used Mustang you bought. Or all my friends have _______ (insert something you would never buy for your child in your right mind) when are you buying me one? Oh no. We will make them stuff their beds with straw and knit their clothes before that will happen. They will look Amish before they will not show a little love when given something. ( Don't I sound hip when I say things like show a little love someone give me my props!!!!)

All of this is to say we had a great time.(can you tell) I love my family. With them there is never a dull moment. My son loved the ship and we loved when he was with the day care workers on the ship or off the ship for that matter. I love Kaitlyn even when she pouts or cries. She is all mine but I was more than willing to loan her to the folks at the Oceaneers Club whenever we could convince her to go. Thanks for stopping by. I would write more but right now I have to take my prozac, and turn on Dr. Phil and realize it could be worse I could have been dumb enough to write to him and let him show the entire world how bad I look everyday. To my family in the north spring is just around the corner....oops could that be snow in the forecast.....Can't be because it is going to be in the 80's this weekend here. Love ya!